


find the horizon

by toxica939



Series: jack verse [5]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Sex, Angst, Bottom Jensen, Breaking Up & Making Up, F/M, M/M, Multi, Recreational Drug Use, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-20
Updated: 2017-04-20
Packaged: 2018-10-21 07:53:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10680966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toxica939/pseuds/toxica939
Summary: The one where Jared isn't perfect and Jensen doesn't care OR the one where they finally fight.





	find the horizon

College probably isn't the worst choice Jensen's ever made, he reserves that title for those awful three months in tenth grade when he had purple hair, but it's still pretty shitty.  
  
It rains like, almost constantly, none of his classes are near each other,he spends half his life hurrying across campus, getting soaked through and miserable, everyone thinks they're so much smarter than they actually are, just because they got into college, and Jared is amazingly, disgustingly busy all the time, with sports and classes and  _making friends_.  
  
It's been almost a month and Jensen is distinctly unimpressed.  
  
College can suck it.  
  
:::  
  
Sophia's camped out in Jensen's room when he gets back from class, just like she has been for the last three days. She has an absolute disregard for the fact he got a single in the first place because he didn't want somebody in his business all the time. Unless it's Jared.  
  
“She's still not kicked him out?” Jensen asks, shucking off his wet jeans and flopping on to the bed beside her. He doesn't bother to look at the book she's reading, they're always trashy romance novels these days.  
  
Sophia sighs, dropping the book to her lap. “I went over earlier for like, clean underwear and stuff, and he was still there. Sitting on  _my_  bed in his disgusting sweat pants, watching _my_  TV. She wasn't even home!”  
  
The bane of Sophia's existence this week is her roommate's new boyfriend. Jensen only knows Sarah in passing and has zero interest in ever meeting her boyfriend. From what Jensen can tell, he seems to sweat a lot and never leave Sophia's room.  
  
“Just kick him out,” Jensen says, digging beneath the sheets. It's chilly and he's damp.  
  
Sophia sighs. “I don't want Sarah to think I'm some miserable bitch that hates everyone with a boyfriend just because of the Chad thing.”  
  
With great effort, Jensen keeps his mouth shut. Sophia has been nothing less than a  _total_ bitch because of the Chad thing. He has no idea how to snap her out of it.  
  
She kicks him. “Fuck off.”  
  
“I didn't say anything!”  
  
“I can hear you thinking asshole. And shut up, I'm fine.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
She shoves him, slumping further down into the bed. “College sucks.”  
  
Jensen nods, curling on his side and letting his chin rest on her shoulder. “No shit.”  
  
:::  
  
Jared's dorm is about a fifteen minute walk from Jensen's last Friday class. It's mid afternoon, overcast but not actually raining and Jensen made at least six of the assholes in his lab class look like total morons in front of their professor. His day's not going too badly.  
  
Jared lives in Strickland, over by the medical centre and near the main quad. It was pretty much listed as the party dorm in the accommodation brochure, and from what Jensen can tell, Jared seems to spend most of his time roaming the halls bumping fists with people, as apposed to actually doing anything. It's kind of embarrassing.  
  
Jensen dicks around on the steps until two girls pass and he can slip inside behind them. He keeps meaning to get Jared's spare key card.  
  
Jared's roommate is the one who opens Jared's door when Jensen knocks. Jensen doesn't know Simon particularly well, nor does he want to. Simon's kind of squirrelly, he's got a buzz cut and a permanent wince. It's not actually often they're both in the room together, Simon tends to clear out whenever Jensen's around.  
  
“He's not here,” Simon says, already sitting back at his desk across the room, pen in hand.  
  
“Oh.” Jensen flounders a little, he always meets Jared here after Friday lab.   
  
He sorts of stands there for a minute, eyes flitting over Jared's half of the room, like he might just appear. There's a rumpled bed, sheets on the floor, a half empty bottle of Diet Coke on the night stand, crumpled in the middle by Jared's fingers, there's a picture of Jensen and Chad propped by Jared's alarm clock, no frame. There's no Jared.  
  
It takes him a while to realize he must look like a total tool, wavering in the doorway. “I guess I'll just go then,” he tells Simon.  
  
Simons nods, doesn't even look up from his work.  
  
He sends Jared a text message on his way back down the stairs.  
  
 _you ok? that's the 3rd time this week you've ditched out on me. i'll be at the milk bar if you reappear_  
  
So okay, maybe he's kind of pissed.  
  
:::  
  
The Milk Bar is the incredibly pretentious tea and coffee shop Milo's been working at since the end of their first week. It's pretty much Jensen's favorite place ever.  
  
It's tiny, none of the furniture matches and they've already started letting Milo hang his art on the walls. It's owned by some hippy chick that Jensen's mom would hate. But it smells like home and it's always quiet.  
  
Milo slides a tiny teapot and a little cup across the counter when Jensen walks up. He never actually gets a chance to order in this place.  
  
“The fuck is that?” Jensen asks, taking a seat at the counter.  
  
Milo grins. “Jasmine tea. I think you'll like it.”  
  
“I think I like my coffee black and in a big ass cup,” Jensen says, but he sips at it anyway. It's not awful.  
  
A couple of people come in with orders to take out and Jensen sits quietly, pouring himself little cups of yellow tea and watching the sky darken outside. It's warm in the shop, cosy when it's about to rain outside and he's hit with such a sudden wave of homesickness that it makes his stomach clench. This place is cute and friendly, but his mom's supposed to be behind the counter bitching him out.  
  
“What are you doing here anyway?” Milo asks, cutting through Jensen's melancholy as he wipes down the counter. Milo's not the neatest coffee maker in the world, there's a reason Jensen's mom never gave him a job. “Aren't I supposed to be meeting you and Jared later?”  
  
Jensen nods, swirls the tea in his cup a little. “I went by his room but he wasn't there.”  
  
Milo pulls a face. “Again?”  
  
“It's not a big deal,” Jensen says, feeling like he needs to defend Jared to Milo or something, “He's just busy is all. You know Jared, he needs to be involved in everything.”  
  
“I guess. Still kind of a dick move not to call.” Milo's never been totally sold on Jared, they get on fine but they aren't friends yet. It's one of the major disappointments in Jared's life, that Milo's maybe the only person to ever not fall completely in love with him right away. Jensen would never admit it out loud, but it's actually pretty cool to know Milo's always going to be on his side when it comes to Jared.  
  
Not that that means it's cool for Milo to talk shit about him. “He's just busy. You telling me Chad calls you every night?”  
  
Jensen knows for a fact that no one's heard from Chad in over a week.  
  
Milo's face ripples. “Anyone ever tell you you're an asshole?” he says, snatching away Jensen's empty teapot.  
  
“Brand new information,” Jensen deadpans. That was kind of an asshole thing to say but he's feeling kind of sensitive about the Jared thing. Sue him.  
  
Milo waves halfheartedly when the only other person in the shop leaves and thunks his elbows down on the counter as soon as they're alone, scrubs at his face.  
  
“He has a date,” Milo mutters.  
  
“Chad?”  
  
“Yeah. He's going to some film society mixer with a blonde girl named Taylor. She lives on his floor. She's from Sacramento and she posts Tarantino quotes on his facebook wall all the fucking time.”  
  
“Sounds like a moron,” Jensen says, because he doesn't know what else to say.  
  
Milo groans. “Yeah. He emailed me about it because he thought we should know.”  
  
Jensen is aware that Chad thinks it's best for Milo and Sophia to carry on their thing without him now he's living down south. Of course, Jensen is also aware that Chad is an idiot.  
  
“Is Soph okay?” he asks, because she hadn't mentioned anything when he saw her this morning.  
  
Milo groans again. “I haven't told her. She's already upset enough Jack, how am I supposed to tell her this?”  
  
And the thing is, if this was just about breaking some bad news to Sophia, Milo would have done it by now, he doesn't keep secrets from Sophia. If that was all it was about Jensen would tell him to grow a pair, but Milo looks awful, broken open and devastated in a way Jensen hasn't seen since Milo's dad split right after the funeral.   
  
He kind of wants to give Milo a hug, ask him if he's okay and let him cry on Jensen's shoulder.  
  
“I can't believe I didn't realize you were this gay for Chad. How did that never come up?” Is what he actually says.  
  
On the plus side it does made Milo crack a smile, but it's brittle and Jensen knows he's on the verge of fucking this up.  
  
He leans across the counter to ruffle Milo's ridiculous crop of emo-tastic hair. “I'm sorry, dude,” he says, because he is and he misses Chad like a phantom limb the same way they all do but it must be so much worse for Milo. At least people  _expect_  Sophia to be upset.  
  
Milo rolls his eyes. “Yeah, well. That's what you get for falling in love with a fucking Murray. Half the island could have told me that.”  
  
Jensen doesn't say anything, because that's mostly true.  
  
:::  
  
Jared doesn't text him back until Jensen's already home, he's spent the evening in the student lounge letting Milo kick his ass at pool and is undressing quietly in the dark because he can see Sophia curled up asleep in his bed.  
  
 _Sorry babe :( stuck in gsa meeting & at strickland party tonight meeting other floors. Pick you up for breakfast tomorrow? x_  
  
Rationally, Jensen is aware that just because he has no interest in befriending every person on campus, doesn't mean that Jared can't. Irrationally, he's getting a little tired of coming second to all of Jared's new opportunities to spread his wings.  
  
He sends:  
  
 _Maybe sunday. Got a pile of homework and Skype session planned with Danneel. Enjoy the party_  
  
Because he's a stubborn asshole.  
  
And then:  
  
 _Love you x_  
  
Because Jared has ruined him.  
  
:::  
  
He does let Jared pick him up for breakfast on Sunday. They go to the little diner right on the edge of campus because Jensen hates the student cafeteria in the mornings. Five different people bump fists with Jared as they pass. It's awful.  
  
Jared steers him into a window booth with a wide hand at the small of Jensen's back and orders them both a coffee before he expects Jensen to speak. It one in a very long list of things that make Jared a suitable boyfriend.  
  
Jared looks good, maybe better than ever. He's been hitting the gym harder than usual now he's signed up for track (apparently the football team here is way out of his league) and he's looking leaner already, all broad shouldered and narrow hipped. He's wearing cargo shorts and a rugby shirt with the collar popped. He's so fucking wholesome that it's making Jensen a little hard.  
  
“What?” Jared asks, hand coming up to his mouth. “Do I have something on my face?”  
  
Jensen laughs. “No, you're fine. You're perfect,” he says, because he has no pride.  
  
The fact that Jared still flushes a little at that sends a thrill through Jensen.   
  
The waitress brings their coffee over and Jared thanks her with a wide smile and orders them both bacon and eggs. The coffee is disgusting but drinking it gives Jensen something to do with his hands other than reach for Jared so he takes a big gulp.  
  
“So how's Danneel?” Jared asks. He's cradling his cup in one hand, longer fingers wrapped around it, dark tan against white.  
  
Jensen shakes himself, clearly it's been too long since he got laid. “She's good. In New Zealand, so cooler than us. She colored her hair.”  
  
Jared nods, glancing out the window. “Yeah I saw the pictures,” he nibbles on his lip for a second. “I saw Milo yesterday too.”  
  
Jensen's stomach drops a little, no wonder Jared seems twitchy. “What'd he say to you?”  
  
“Basically that I'm a dick,” Jared says. He doesn't sound annoyed but he doesn't sound sorry either.  
  
Jensen huffs, folding his arms. “I hope you told him to fuck off and mind his own business.”  
  
“I didn't actually,” Jared says. “I told him I was sorry about Chad and the new girl. And that I would apologize to you.”  
  
“I don't need an apology,” Jensen tells him, because that would be pathetic. “If you could just call before you bail out on plans, that would be fine.”  
  
Jared makes a frustrated noise, tucking his hair back behind his ear. He needs a haircut. “I said I was sorry about Friday. Like a hundred times to your voicemail. The GSA mixer is kind of a big deal is all and I wanted to help organize it.”  
  
Jensen nods. “I know, it's fine. I'm not mad about the mixer.”  
  
“So what are you mad about? Because you've been alternating between pissed off and horny since I picked you up and I don't know what to do about it.”  
  
Jensen rolls his eyes. “Bullshit. That's my default setting.”  
  
Jared opens his mouth to argue and then just seems to freeze, face wavering for a second before he starts to laugh. “You are the most frustrating person I have ever met,” he says, smile wide like that's a good thing.  
  
Jensen nods. It's not the first time he's heard that.  
  
Jared reaches across the table and takes Jensen's hand. “You're really not mad at me?” he asks, thumb smoothing across Jensen's knuckles.  
  
Jensen shakes his head a little helplessly. “I'm really not mad. It's no secret that I'm not exactly Mr. School Spirit, I get that you have other stuff going on. Just – call next time. I had to talk to Simon.”  
  
Jared winces in sympathy. “Deal.”  
  
“Then we're good.”  
  
It's not like he could stay mad at Jared anyway. He doesn't want to be the boyfriend that stops Jared doing all his own stuff. He can handle seeing him a little less than usual if that's what it takes.  
  
:::  
  
Jensen's lit professor is about a hundred years old, she's the kind of short that means she's already started shrinking and she wears her white hair knotted pristinely at the back of her head every single day. It's possible that she sleep with it like that. Who fucking knows?  
  
She's also the devil. In old lady slip-ons and a silk scarf.  
  
He's in the middle of his second evening in the library that week. He's found a quiet little corner on the second floor, tucked away behind the stacks in the philosophy section. Every now and then someone wanders past muttering about formal logic and adjusting their corduroys, it's not too much of a distraction.  
  
He's got a cup of peppermint tea cooling beside his laptop, the rest still warm in it's thermos, thanks to Milo, and a pile of books arranged across the table. Referencing this paper is going to be horrific.  
  
A guy wanders by around nine, all legs and dirty blonde hair, and asks Jensen for directions to the bathroom. He sounds like an exchange student or something so Jensen points him in the right direction politely. And then wonders if it was racist of him to be more polite to someone just because they didn't have an American accent. And then tells himself to shut the fuck up and do some work.  
  
If he didn't need to work on his writing skills so much, he would tell this lit class to fuck off.  
  
His computer alerts him to a new email at ten-oh-five:  
  
to: Jensen Ackles   
from: Donna Ackles   
  
 _Call home asshat, I've been trying your cell for hours.  
  
Your loving Mother_  
  
He manages another half hour of work before he caves and takes his cell out into the stairwell. He doesn't know why he bothers, he can see his stuff through the glass in the fire door and it's not like there's anyone around for him to disturb anyway.  
  
“So you're not dead,” his mom declares as soon as she picks up.  
  
“Unfortunately not. Is there any reason I have nine missed calls and an abusive voicemail from you?”  
  
“Would you believe that I just missed the sound of your voice?”  
  
“As much as you'd believe I've missed yours.”   
  
The truth is that he does miss her. Every second.  
  
She laughs, “Little asshole. I've been calling to tell you that Mac has a dance recital over on the mainland at Thanksgiving, she got the lead. I got tickets for you and Jared, book a bus home or something.”  
  
Jensen sighs. “Are you serious?”   
  
It's not that he doesn't want to go home for Thanksgiving, it's just that no one else is. Sophia's drunk parents don't celebrate it so she's staying in town with Milo, Jared's parents are going to Texas without him and Chad's whole family is going down to Florida to stay with him. Also, a dance recital? Really?  
  
“I'm serious that you're coming and you have no choice.”  
  
“But-”  
  
“But nothing. Stop being a shitty brother.”  
  
Another sigh. “Fine. I'll speak to Jared.”  
  
He can tell she's grinning. “Of course you will. How is Jared?”  
  
Jensen pulls a face before he can help it, pacing in the stairwell. “Fine, I guess? I haven't seen him in a couple of days, I have a paper due and it's kicking my ass.”  
  
“You guys okay?”  
  
“Yeah, just busy. He's organizing a bunch of stuff for the GSA and I'm trying to pass my lit class.” He doesn't need to tell her this much.  
  
“That sucks. It'll probably settle down the further into the semester you get.”  
  
Which is true, and he keeps telling himself. But other than the odd conversation about how shitty it is that they're so busy, Jared doesn't seem to have made any more time in his schedule.  
  
It's not a big deal. It's not like they're joined at the hip.  
  
“What about Sophy?” his mom asks, “She didn't sound too good when I spoke to her yesterday.”  
  
“Chad has a new girlfriend,” he says.  
  
Donna makes an outraged noise. “Are you kidding me? That little prick.”  
  
Jensen has to laugh. There's something about his mother, she always makes thing feel less like the end of the world.  
  
It's not until he's leaving the library just after midnight that he spots a message from Jared.  
  
 _Got let out early & you're prob still working. I'll wait at yours x_  
  
It's over an hour old so he's not actually expecting Jared to still be there when he gets back to his room. But there he is, curled up under Jensen sheets, clothes in a pile on the floor.  
  
Jensen shucks off his own clothes, sliding into bed and pressing himself up against the warm expanse of Jared's gloriously naked back.  
  
Jared sighs a little in his sleep, moving back against Jensen before settling again.  
  
Jensen sleeps like the dead.  
  
:::  
  
He wakes up to tight, wet heat around his dick and a slick finger pressing at his asshole.  
  
He flails a little, hot  _want_  slamming into him more quickly than his body can cope with. It leaves him gasping up at the ceiling and fucking back onto Jared's hand.  
  
Jared pulls off with a distinct  _pop_  and grins up the length of Jensen's body. He looks positively wolfish. “Morning.”  
  
Jensen gapes at him, hands coming down to bury into Jared thick hair and guide that perfect mouth back to his cock. Jared's downright filthy when he's sucking cock, wet and messy, spit down his chin and hair in his eyes.  
  
It's not going to take long. It's been over a week and Jensen suddenly feel desperate for it, writhing against the sheets and panting Jared's name.  
  
Jared pulls off before Jensen can come down his throat, moving over Jensen to slot their hips together.  
  
“Second drawer,” Jensen manages, muffled around the skin of Jared throat. Can't seem to stop tasting him now that he's close enough.  
  
Jared laughs a little, leaning over. “I know.”  
  
There's a few seconds of prep after Jared gets the condom on and then he pressing inside. It still gives Jensen the same achey, out of control feeling that it did the first time. Only now it's something he's come to crave. There's a kind of surrender in it that makes him hot all over, not surrendering to Jared, but to himself, letting it happen to him and letting himself feel the way it makes him feel, broken open and on fire.  
  
Jared picks his hips up, finds just he right angle to blow Jensen's mind and he knows he's being loud but he can't bring himself to care.  
  
He comes with Jared's palm pressed across his mouth, heaving in breaths through his nose, Jared's forehead pressed tightly to the back of that same hand while he loses control.  
  
Jared picks his head up at the last second and their eyes meet.  
  
It feels like lightening crackling down Jensen's spine, he's never been this close to someone, never let them in this far. Sometimes Jared terrifies him.  
  
“I love you,” Jared tells him, after, when they're curled together under the sweaty sheets, hearts beating in time.  
  
Jensen nods. “I know.”  
  
Jared kisses him softly. “I miss you.”  
  
Jensen's heart flutters. “Me too.”  
  
“I know things have been kind of shitty the last few weeks,” Jared says, “But I'm going to make it better, okay? I'm going to make more time.”  
  
Jensen pushes Jared's hair back from his face, an odd sort of tenderness filling him that he only ever gets from Jared. “Okay. I guess it wouldn't kill me to come to some of the GSA stuff either,” he says. It's something he's been thinking about more and more, going to Jared if Jared can't come to him.  
  
Jared pulls back a little, smile a mile wide. “But you hate GSA stuff.”  
  
Jensen rolls his eyes. “But I don't hate you.”  
  
When they kiss again, it finally feels like things might be getting back to normal.  
  
:::  
  
to: Jensen Ackles   
from: Chad Murray   
  
 _Dear Jack,  
  
The fuck you up to asshole? Stop dodging my calls.  
  
Cx_  
  
to: Chad Murray   
from: Jensen Ackles   
  
 _Chad,  
  
I'm working moron. I don't imagine you USF assholes would know anything about that.  
  
How's the new girl?_  
  
to: Jensen Ackles   
from: Chad Murray   
  
 _Dear Jack,  
  
Fuck you. Taylor's good dude, her brother hooked me up with some good shit but it's not the same without you.  
  
How's big J? Is he screening my calls too? I've spoken to Danneel in fucking Oz, more than you two assholes.  
  
Cx_  
  
to: Chad Murray   
from: Jensen Ackles   
  
 _No idea. Pretty sure he's screening mine too._  
  
to: Jensen Ackles   
from: Chad Murray   
  
 _Dear Jack,  
  
Trouble in paradise? You fucking kidding me?  
  
Cx_  
  
to: Chad Murray   
from: Jensen Ackles   
  
 _No idea. Thought we sorted things out but I haven't seen him since the weekend. Not answering the phone._  
  
to: Jensen Ackles   
from: Chad Murray   
  
 _Dear Jack,  
  
I just got voicemail when I tried just now. You think he's okay?  
  
Cx_  
  
to: Chad Murray   
from: Jensen Ackles   
  
 _Again, no idea. He's probably just busy, don't worry about it.  
  
You spoken to Soph lately?_  
  
to: Jensen Ackles   
from: Chad Murray   
  
 _Dear Jack,  
  
Speaking of someone being busy – not for more than a couple of minutes. Should I be worrying? What the hell's going on up there dude?  
  
Cx_  
  
to: Chad Murray   
from: Jensen Ackles   
  
 _She's fine. They miss you._  
  
to: Jensen Ackles   
from: Chad Murray   
  
 _Dear Jack,  
  
You mean you miss me. Look at us having a heart to heart here. We're having one of our moments.  
  
Cx_  
  
to: Chad Murray   
from: Jensen Ackles   
  
 _Fuck off. I'm going to sleep._  
  
to: Jensen Ackles   
from: Chad Murray   
  
 _Dear Jack,  
  
Let me know if I need to come and kick big J's ass. I got your back bro.  
  
Cx  
  
ps. tell Milo to call me back_   
  
:::  
  
The tall guy from the library is in The Milk Bar when Jensen arrives. He's hurrying in from the rain and almost trips over the guy's legs.  
  
“Shit, sorry,” Jensen says, stumbling a little.  
  
The guy reaches out, impossibly long arm letting him wrap a big hand around Jensen's elbow to steady him. “You okay?” the guy asks.  
  
Jensen looks at the hand still on his arm and quirks an eyebrow.  
  
The guy lets go quickly. “Sorry.”  
  
Jensen waves him off. He doesn't exactly need giant guys going around grabbing hold of him, but better that than face plant in the middle of the store.  
  
“I'm Alex,” the guy says.  
  
Jensen nods. “Okay,” he can see Sophia sitting over at their usual table and Milo eyeing him oddly from behind the counter.  
  
The guy – Alex – grins, mouthful of perfect white teeth and eyes crinkling at the corners. “Do you have a name?”  
  
Jensen suddenly feels a little flustered, face going hot under the guy's delighted smile. “Of course I do,” he says scathingly. He pointedly steps over the guy's feet and heads for the counter.  
  
“You know that guy?” Milo asks, handing over a steaming cup of something yellow and fruity. He's whispering because the shop is small enough that the guy could easily overhear them.  
  
Jensen rolls his eyes, still feeling unsettled and he can tell the guy's still watching him. “When have I ever had a friend you didn't know?”  
  
Milo's lips thin. “Only Jared springs to mind.”  
  
Clearly, the devastation of Chad getting a girlfriend has bled over into Milo, because there is no other explanation for the look he's giving Jensen.   
  
“Fuck you.”  
  
Milo shakes his head. “You're an idiot,” he say affectionately.  
  
He's looking at Jensen like there's actually something that Jensen's missing here, so Jensen rolls his eyes and goes to sit with Sophia. He doesn't have to put up with this shit.  
  
“Milo's a dick,” he tells her.  
  
She glances up from her book. She's looking a little brighter around the eyes these days which makes Jensen feel better.  
  
“No shit,” she says, highlighting something with a pink marker and nodding over to the door. “Who's the hottie?”  
  
“Did you just say  _hottie_?”  
  
“Get bent. Who is he?”  
  
“I don't know. Some guy. Sounds European.”  
  
“Swedish, to be precise,” the guy calls over, as though it's not weird at all to jump into someone else's conversation about you.  
  
Sophia laughs, turning in her seat to grin at him – at Alex, “Height, age, sexual preference,” she calls. Sophia loves it when people encourage her to be obnoxious.  
  
Jensen puts a hand over his eyes and hates his life.  
  
Alex just laughs. “6'4”, twenty, undeclared. Yourself?”  
  
Jensen doesn't look up but for some reason it makes his face flush.  
  
“5'4”, eighteen, men,” Sophia says.  
  
“Pleasure to meet you,” Alex says, lifting his cup.  
  
Sophia looks back to Jensen, eyes dancing for the first time in weeks.   
  
Shit.  
  
That's basically the short version of how, by the time Jared comes through the door, Alex is sat at their table talking pre med to Jensen and letting Sophia paint the nails of his right hand green.  
  
Jared pulls up short and the smile on Jensen's face falters.   
  
The truth is, that Alex is  _interesting_. He's a junior, he's pre med, he's already taken most of Jensen's lab classes and he's maybe the smartest person Jensen has ever met. He moved to California from Stockholm when he was sixteen and the accent comes and goes.  
  
Jensen is fascinated and he's pretty sure it shows on his face. He's always been so fucking transparent to Jared.  
  
“Hi,” Jared offers, recovering quickly and dropping into the seat on the other side of Jensen. No hello kiss.  
  
Sophia introduces Alex to Jared. “And this is Jared, Jensen's long suffering, much put-upon boyfriend.”  
  
Alex grins easily and shakes Jared's hand. “I can't imagine Jensen's that much of a hardship.”  
  
Jared's face is like stone. “No,” he agrees but it doesn't feel like a compliment.  
  
Jensen gives them another minute of staring each other out before he rolls his eyes. “Well, as fun as this is. We've gotta go, come on J,” he tugs Jared back up out of the seat and drops a kiss on top of Sophia's head on his way by.  
  
“Good to meet you,” Alex says, waving with his free hand. “Give me a call if you need those notes okay?”  
  
Jensen nods and basically has to shove Jared out the door.  
  
“What is with you?” he asks. “Are you okay? You look-”  
  
“He gave you his number?” Jared exclaims, walking off down the street. “Who is this guy?”  
  
Jensen pinches the bridge of his nose and focuses on his breathing. “He took some of my classes in freshman year, he said I could borrow some of his notes. It's not a big deal.”  
  
“It's a big deal,” Jared disagrees. “I don't see you for three days and there's already some other guy with his feet under the table?”  
  
“Are you kidding me with shit?”  
  
Jared glares at him. “I saw how he was looking at you.”  
  
“You're acting like an idiot.”  
  
“I saw how you were looking at him.”  
  
And seriously. Fuck this. This is not how Jared talks to him.  
  
“Fuck you,” Jensen says. They're nearly at the quad, he can take a right and head back to his room and Jared can go fuck himself.  
  
“Don't talk to me like that,” Jared yells.  
  
It's pretty late and there aren't a lot of people around but it's still yelling in the street. Jared doesn't  _do_  yelling in the street.  
  
Jensen does and it's so easy to let the anger bubble up. “Don't accuse me of something I haven't done,” he shouts backs. “Don't act so fucking surprised that someone else might want me. Don't pretend that you not seeing me for three days has  _anything_  to do with me. That's on you.”  
  
They've paused by the stone steps down to the quad, he can see Jared's building from here and for once he wishes Jared would just go. Just fuck off inside and leave him alone before they ruin this.  
  
Jared throws up his hands. “I  _knew_  you were pissed about that. You said you understood.”  
  
“No. I said you could do whatever you wanted to do, run track, organize as many stupid parties as you like. Apparently, that doesn't apply to me.”  
  
Jared eyes narrow sharply. “And what is it that you want to do.”  
  
Jensen hates this. “The fuck does it matter? I want to be allowed a new friend, I want Chad to come back and fix Milo, I want to go home, I want you to give a shit about me.”  
  
He's not going to cry. He's not some little bitch, crying over a guy.  
  
“You think  _this_  is me not giving a shit about you?” Jared says. “Yeah, I have stuff going on, but I'm not the only who's busy. I'm not the one who says everything's fine whenever you ask what's wrong. I'm not the one pulling away.”  
  
Jensen rolls his eyes because obviously,  _obviously_  this is all his fault. Perfect Jared and his perfect face, couldn't possibly have done anything wrong.  
  
“I think you're being a little bit melodramatic,” Jensen says, shutting down. There's no point getting into an argument with Jared. He's never going to win.  
  
Jared rakes a hand through his hair. “I think you're proving my point.”  
  
“I think you're an asshole, if you're trying to say that you acting like a moron over some guy I just met, is somehow my fault.”  
  
“I think you're blind, if you actually think this is about him,” Jared fires back. “This is about you and you being pissed off that I'm not following you around like a puppy, trying to get you give me the time of day anymore.”  
  
It,  _emphatically_ , is not.  
  
“I think you should go inside, before you say something you can't take back,” Jensen tells him. Because he's starting to fracture inside and he doesn't want Jared to be around to see it happen.  
  
Jensen has no idea how they got here. So they've been a little distant and he's felt a little pushed out by Jared's new friends and activities and stuff, it's not like they didn't have different stuff going on back home, different groups of friends. It's not like it's a big deal.  
  
Jared looks wrecked, face angry and shuttered and furious and Jensen suddenly realizes that it might have gone too far. He doesn't know what to say to pull it back.  
  
“But I love you,” he says, replying to the look in Jared's eyes more than anything he's said.  
  
Jared's face crumples, wavers a little before it hardens. “We're done here, I'm going to bed.”  
  
And that's it. Jensen watches him walk away.  
  
:::  
  
Jared doesn't call.  


:::

At a week, he lets Sophia drag him down to The Milk Bar and drinks all the chamomile tea Milo can force on him.   
  
They don't talk about it. They don't even mention him.  
  
:::  
  
At ten days he drinks a bottle of Jack straight, vomits into his trashcan and calls Jared's cell until his battery dies.  
  
It's the one year anniversary of their first real kiss.  
  
:::  
  
At two weeks he goes back to class. He gets several lectures and a heap of missed notes and work. He moves into the library and studies until his mind his too full to think about anything.  
  
:::  
  
At twenty five days he caves, and hammers on Jared door until Simon wrenches it open.  
  
“He's not here.”  
  
“Where is he?”  
  
Simon's face softens with something a little too close to sympathy for Jensen's wounded pride to take. “I don't know man, he's out a lot.”  
  
Of course he is. Why would he be sitting around moping over Jensen?  
  
Simon puts a gentle hand on his shoulder. “If it's any consolation? When I do see him, he looks like shit.”  
  
Jensen bites the inside of his cheek until he tastes copper, says, “Don't fucking touch me,” and feels like he's coming back to life when Simon slams the door in his face.  
  
:::  
  
At thirty days:  
  
to: Jensen Ackles   
from: Chad Murray   
  
 _Dear Jack,  
  
The fuck dude? Answer your fucking phone.  
  
J says you're broken up? The fucker hung up on me when I called him out on his shit.  
  
What the hell is going on Jack? Are you okay? Do you want me to get on a plane?  
  
CALL ME  
  
Cx_  
  
It's the first time anyone has actually said it, that they're broken up, and Jensen's brain just snags on the line.  _J says you're broken up_. It plays like a loop in his head until it stops meaning anything.  
  
He can't make himself reply, because acknowledging it will make it real.  
  
:::  
  
At forty days he hops on a bus home and puts his bag on the empty seat beside him, watches the highway pass by until he's dizzy and numb.  
  
He figured out numb was good around day fourteen. He hasn't cried since then.  
  
The island looks the same.  
  
Jensen sits on the top deck, right at the front of the boat because they never sat here, and watches it come into view.  
  
It's cold out, sun bright and low and salt in the air. It makes his head feel clear and he doesn't like it.  
  
His mom meets him at the dock. She's grown her hair out a little, the shock of red tumbling down over her shoulders now, the same way she used to wear it when he was little.  
  
She takes one look at his face and tugs him in close, little arms wrapped around his shoulders. Jensen gives himself a few seconds, just to breathe her in. He's okay, he's with his mom.  
  
She doesn't make him talk on the walk back home, just grumbles to him about the hill (like always) and about her new Saturday staff (like ever since he left,) just holds his hand and walks him home.  
  
The house is the same: quiet because it's a Friday and Mac's still in school, messy because his mom hates picking up after people and warm, because it's home. The couch still sags, the door still sticks and the coffee still tastes like his childhood. He's been gone nearly three months and it suddenly feels like no time at all.  
  
“You want to talk about it?” Donna asks, dropping beside him on the couch with her own cup of coffee.  
  
Jensen sighs. “Not really.”  
  
“Let me rephrase that,” she says. “What the fuck's going on? Where's Jared?”  
  
He's been dodging it for weeks.  
  
“We broke up,” he tells her. Something cracks and peels inside his chest all over again but he keeps his face perfectly blank.  
  
Her mouth drops open. “What? When?”  
  
“Like a month ago.”  
  
Like forty days, eighteen hours and six minutes ago. Seven minutes ago.  
  
She sits forward, drops her cup on the coffee table. “What the actual fuck? And you didn't think to mention this during one of the, oh, twenty conversations we've had since then?”  
  
Seven. It's been seven conversations. Seven conversations of pretending he's not dying inside.  
  
“Are you okay?” she asks, a gentle hand in his hair.  
  
“I'm fine.”  
  
“Bullshit.”  
  
“Then why ask?” He looks away.  
  
She sits back with a sigh, sliding her hand into his and linking their fingers together, head on his shoulder. “What happened?”  
  
Jensen shrugs with his free shoulder. “I don't know.”  
  
Because he doesn't. He still has no idea what the hell went wrong. One minute they're drifting a little, making promises the fix it and to try harder and the next they're yelling in the street. Jared had never yelled at him before, he'd never been so cold.  
  
“Do we hate him?”  
  
Jensen shakes his head, sinks his teeth into his bottom lip when it trembles.   
  
He wouldn't even know how to hate Jared.  
  
She squeezes his hand, doesn't let go.  
  
Fifteen minutes ago.  
  
:::  
  
At forty one days he goes to Mac's recital, they all bundle over to the mainland and catch a cab into the city. The show's at one of the little theaters downtown and they have third row seats.  
  
He has to sit through an hour of random kids dancing around dressed as flowers before Mac does her bit.  
  
It makes him smile, he'll give her that.  
  
After, the three of them wander uptown and have dinner at a little Greek place Jensen hasn't been to in years.  
  
“Did we come here with Dad?” he asks, hanging his coat on the back of his chair.  
  
Mac puts her elbows on the table and leans in expectantly. She's taller than Jensen remembers.  
  
Donna nods. “Yeah. He used to bring me here all the time. He always had the gyros,” she gestures to the menu in Jensen's hands. “You should have the gyros, they're good.”  
  
Jensen knows that his dad always had a favorite meal in every restaurant he went to, only ever ordered that one thing when ever he was there.  
  
It's a nice restaurant, a little worn around the edges and Jensen's not totally sold on the plastic palm trees dotted around but it's nice.  
  
It must be strange he thinks, for his mom to bring them here without Dad, but she's smiling and telling Mac how great she was and she doesn't look like she's thinking sad stuff.  
  
Jensen drops an arm across the back of Mac's chair, ruffles her hair.  
  
He has the gyros.  
  
:::  
  
At fifty days he meets Sophia and Milo in the student lounge. They play pool until their backs ache and drink soda until they're bloated.  
  
Sophia asks him if he's okay approximately every twenty minutes and Milo laughs at everything he says.  
  
“Guys,” he tells them, as they're gathering their stuff to leave, “You can stop acting like I'm a mental patient any time now okay? I'm fine.”  
  
Milo shoves him. “No you're not.”  
  
“No,” Jensen agrees, holding the door open for Sophia, “I'm not. But it's been nearly two months and I have, quite literally, not set eyes on him. On the smallest campus ever. He's clearly over it, I'm going to have to be too.”  
  
Sophia looks dubious. “I don't think him avoiding us all like the plague means he's over it.”  
  
Jensen rolls his eyes. “Well it sure as hell doesn't mean he wants me back. So same difference.”  
  
Milo takes his hand as the two of the walk him home. It makes his stomach churn.  
  
:::  
  
At fifty three days he sees him.  
  
Jensen's coming out of the cafeteria, one of the girls in his lab invited him out for coffee and to go over some notes for their test next week. He'd mostly only said yes because she was wearing a Stone Roses shirt and an old lady cardigan. He's that sort of asshole.  
  
Jared's cutting across the quad, arm around a little brunette girl. She's looks like Sandy, is pretty much the only thing Jensen can think, and it's difficult to look away from Jared's hand spread wide across her shoulder. It makes him feel sick.  
  
Jared freezes when he catches Jensen's eye, mouth dropping open, and the girl turns her head to see what's going on.  
  
Jared looks awful, all dark circles and unwashed hair. It's more than a little pathetic how good that makes Jensen feel.  
  
He wonders, for a second, if Jared will come over and then Jared pulls himself together, shakes his head to the girl and tugs her away.  
  
Allison comes stumbling through the door behind Jensen, bumping his shoulder. “You okay?” she asks. “You look like you've seen a ghost.”  
  
He gets a text massage that night, after he's already gone to bed and started drifting off.  
  
 _I'm sorry._  
  
He throws his phone across the room and blinks until his eyes feel dry.  
  
That's the day Jensen stops counting.  
  
:::  
  
“What I don't get,” Sophia says, gesturing wildly with the cup of Jack and coke in her hand, “Is why he's still talking to Chad. Why would anyone talk to Chad over me? Chad a fucking dick.”  
  
They're in Sophia's room, hanging out the window to smoke up and ploughing through her contraband with ease. It's sort of like old times, only more shitty.  
  
“You fucking love Chad,” he tells her. He takes a long hit and hold his breath until he feels lightheaded.  
  
Sophia kicks him. “Fuck you. I don't love anyone. I'm just saying, why the fuck would he still be talking to  _Chad_?”  
  
“Because Chad's not exactly in a position to call him out on breaking up with someone awesome for no fucking reason,” Milo pipes up. He's over on the other side of the room rolling up. He's also for too eloquent for how fucked up Jensen's getting.  
  
“We're not talking about that,” Sophia reminds him.  
  
“We're not talking this either,” Jensen says, bracing his forearms on the window ledge and leaning out. It had taken them almost an hour their first night here to crack the security latch and push the window wide open. Jared had been at some sad sack floor bonding meeting and had to text them advice.  
  
“Yeah,” Sophia agrees, puff of smoke turning the air milky, “You're right. Fuck em. Fuck Chad and fuck Jared and fuck everyone.”  
  
Jensen laughs. “Fuck Brock Kelly,” he offers, because that never gets old.  
  
Sophia snorts. “He fucking wishes. Hey yeah, you should fuck Brock Kelly on Christmas break. That'd be so fucking funny.”  
  
Milo huffs, shouldering in between them, even though there isn't enough room, and lighting up. “Don't fuck Brock Kelly,” he says around an inhale, “There is not enough bleach in the world, you would never be clean again.”  
  
Jensen watches someone jog along the path down below, a long black shadow cutting through pools of orange streetlight. The air feels cold on his face up here and he breathes in deep.  
  
“Alex!” Sophia yells suddenly, startling them all, and the jogger looks up. Jensen's can't make out his expression from here.  
  
“Yeah?” Alex calls out warily. Like he's actually a little bit worried it might be the  _building_ talking to him. Jensen snickers.  
  
“It's Sophia, come the fuck up, 315.”  
  
Alex laughs, hands raised. “I'm on my way to the GSA meeting,” he says apologetically.  
  
And seriously? That is  _enough_  of this GSA shit.  
  
Jensen grabs Sophia's key card off her nightstand and throws it out the window, it lands with a slap by Alex's feet and bounces away. “Fuck that shit,” he yells. “Get in here.”  
  
:::  
  
A good couple of hours and most of their stash later, Jensen finds himself sprawled out across Sophia's bed. Alex is sitting up against the wall watching the action on the other bed, totally unashamedly.  
  
“Are they...?”  
  
Jensen rolls his head to the side. He's pretty sure Milo's hand in down Sophia's pants but he looks away again before he can be sure. “Pretty safe bet,” he agrees.  
  
Alex's eyebrows creep up toward his hairline. “Jesus.”  
  
Jensen laughs. He's drifting, warm and painless and totally out of his mind. He watches the ceiling spin.  
  
Alex knocks back the last of his drink, leaning across Jensen to set it down. “So this is what you guys do?”  
  
Jensen shrugs. “Pretty much.”  
  
“Get high and fool around?”  
  
Jensen's familiar with the rush of heat the way Alex is looking at him brings, but the blue eyes are unfamiliar and more than a little unsettling. “That's one's mostly just them.”  
  
Alex nods, eyes never leaving Jensen's. “Noted. And what about your boyfriend? Where's he?”  
  
Jensen doesn't want to think about Jared. He's had two months to get over it and gotten absolutely nowhere. Fuck Jared.  
  
He shakes his head. “There's no boyfriend,” he says, voice hollow.  
  
There's a touch on the back of his hand, Alex's fingers moving up to curl around his wrist. “His loss?”  
  
And you know what? It really fucking is. Jensen's fucking awesome. And cool. And not at all bad looking and if Jared doesn't fucking want him anymore then fuck Jared.  _Fuck Jared_.  
  
He's up on his knees before he knows he's moving, sliding down into Alex's lap. It's different, Alex is narrow where Jared's all bulk but he's taller, he's just as big. And who gives a shit how Jared feels anyway? Jared doesn't want this anymore.  
  
“You sure?” Alex asks, a wisp of breath against Jensen's lips as he leans in, big hand smoothing up between Jensen's shoulder blades to cup the back of his neck.  
  
Jensen shakes his head. “No,” and then they're kissing. Alex's mouth is hot inside, bitter with stale smoke and whisky. Jensen's kind of glad that he tastes bad, he wants it to taste bad.  
  
He lets Alex's hand settle on his hip, lets himself be tugged in tighter until they're pressed chest to chest and takes Alex's face between his hands, angles the kiss into something deeper, wetter. The room's spinning, blood rushing in his ears and he can't seem to get close enough, sucking on Alex's tongue, kissing until his jaw aches.  
  
Fuck Jared.  
  
:::  
  
He comes to with a mouthful of cotton and ash. Everything aches.  
  
He thinks, for a second, that he's fallen asleep on Chad's beanbag again and it's on the tip of his tongue to call Chad an asshole before he even opens his eyes. Wouldn't be the first time.  
  
There's a big hand on his shoulder, shaking him gently and there's a smile threatening to creep across his face as his eyes flutter open.  
  
And then he remembers.  
  
 _Fuck_.  
  
Alex smiles a little, eyes going soft. “Yeah. That's what I thought. I'm going to get going.” He's whispering even though there's no way anyone's going to wake Sophia and Milo before noon. Unless it's already noon.  
  
Alex is leaving. Shit. Jensen stumbles to his feet as Alex slips out the door. At least he's still fully clothed, thank fuck for that.  
  
“Alex, wait,” he calls, stepping into the hallway in his bare feet.  
  
Alex pauses, doesn't turn around. “You don't need to let me down easy,” he says, “I'm a big boy.”  
  
No kidding. “I'm not, I'm just.” Jensen doesn't know what he is. He's a fucking mess. “I'm sorry.” He sounds as miserable as he feels.  
  
Alex's shoulders slump a little and he comes back over. “It's okay,” he says, “We were drunk. It was just a kiss, it's fine.”  
  
It was a little more than a kiss. It was the kind of dirty make out session Jensen's never had. He's never felt so good doing something so wrong.  
  
“I'm kind of a fuck up,” he tells Alex, voice hushed in the empty hallway. He looks at his feet, sickly pale against the green carpet.  
  
“It's fine,” Alex says again. “Don't worry about it.”  
  
Except. It's all Jensen can do not to break under the strain of it. He feels like he's sinking, lost and helpless and the last thing he wanted was to hurt Alex. Alex is a nice guy, he deserves better.  
  
“I don't deserve anything,” Alex says, shaking his head. Jensen didn't mean to say that out loud. “I made a move on you when we were high and I knew you were hurting. If anyone fucked up here, it's me.”  
  
Jensen doesn't deserve to get let off the hook that easy, he's no good. He fucks everything up.  
  
“Stop it,” Alex says, putting a big hand on his shoulder and his eyes are so gentle and soft that the black pit in Jensen's chest almost swallows him up.  
  
“Why doesn't he love me anymore?” he asks and Alex gathers him in, presses Jensen's wet face against his chest and lets him sob.  
  
It's pathetic. He's crying all over the only new friend he's made at college like some little bitch. It's fucking pathetic. Chad would have slapped him by now.  
  
Alex rubs Jensen's back a little. “You're going to okay, Jensen. You're going to be fine.”  
  
“I miss him.”  
  
“I know. It's okay.”  
  
And he's empty enough that he lets the words fill him up.  
  
:::  
  
Getting home for Christmas break is kind of a clusterfuck. Milo's mom comes to pick them up in a rented minivan because Milo has so much art stuff to take home, and Jensen winds up crammed into the backseat with a giant canvass and Sophia's make-up case on his lap. All in all, he'd have preferred the bus.  
  
Predictably, Sophia freaks the fuck out as soon as they get on the boat. “I can't believe how much I missed this shithole,” she says, basically stroking the metal bench seat. “I can't believe I miss having bad hair and a wet ass.”  
  
Jensen ignores her. He got all of his nostalgia out of the way at Thanksgiving. Right now he'd rather be in his dorm room playing Mario Kart with Alex and forgetting about his old life.  
  
Alex, as it turns out, is a pretty decent friend now he's figured out wanting to be anything more would be incredibly bad for his health. He says Jensen's exhausting, in the kind of affectionate way that only people Jensen actually likes have ever managed.  
  
Chad's waiting on the dock. He's the deepest tan Jensen's ever seen, white blonde hair and freckles.  
  
Sophia slaps him pretty hard across the face before she gives in and hugs him. It's awesome.  
  
“Jack! Dude, where have you been all my life?” Chad yells, draping himself across Jensen's back when he tries to walk by. “Come on, lets hug it out.”  
  
Jensen shoots a withering look over his shoulder. “Get the fuck off me,” he says but Chad just laughs, presses a sloppy kiss against Jensen's cheek. Chad's never let him get away with that shit.  
  
“Nice try, Jack,” he turns to grin and Milo's mom. “Carol, you don't mind if I steal your boy away for the afternoon do you?” he asks, ushering them away when she says of course not. “Come on guys, I've got an empty basement and I want to hear all about Jensen's new Viking boyfriend.”  
  
Jensen punches him in the arm, pretty much as hard as he can. “Get bent, he's not my boyfriend.”  
  
They push and shove each other all the way over to Chad's and finally,  _finally_ , he feels like he's found his feet again.  
  
:::  
  
“But you didn't fuck him?” Chad's outraged. He's half baked and still smoking, squinting at Jensen through the haze in the basement. There's a zombie chasing a pretty girl across the flatscreen and Jensen is in heaven.  
  
He settles back into his beanbag, Sophia sprawled across his lap and takes a drag from the joint in his hand. “No.”  
  
“Why the fuck not?”   
  
Jensen snags Sophia's shoe right off her foot and hurls it at Chad's head. “Because it's not like that. He's my friend. We were just drunk and I was stupid.”  
  
Chad quints again, like he's trying to find a way to fit that information into his tiny head. “Come again?”  
  
“Because he's still in love with Jared, asshole. Shut your stupid mouth.”  
  
Chad grins. “Make me.”  
  
And okay, so it's not the first time Jensen's watched Chad and Milo flirt from across the room. But it's definitely the first time Milo's ever sunk a hand into Chad's hair and pulled him down into a kiss. A pretty serious, toe-curling kiss.  
  
Objectively, it's kind of hot. In Jensen's reality, it's horrifying.  
  
Sophia shift in his lap, leaning up to take a toke from the joint still pinched between Jensen's fingers. “That is so fucking hot,” she says, eyes glazed over and glitter smeared.  
  
Jensen coughs, slapping the top her head gently. “Hey. Heartbroken and celibate here, have some respect,” he says because if he can't joke about it, what the hell can he do?  
  
She pouts a little, turning to wrap him in a sweat hug. “It's okay if you still love him,” she says, far too seriously for Jensen's fleeting good mood.  
  
Jensen rolls his eyes and takes another drag. Of course he still loves him. It's disgusting how much he still loves him.  
  
He watches Chad press Milo down into the rug and lets his mind drift.  
  
It'll fade, he tells himself, it'll fade.  
  
:::  
  
Because Jensen's life hates him, he bumps into Brock Kelly by the hardware store on Christmas Eve.  
  
He's on his way home from Milo's, laden down with gifts and shit for for his mom and Brock Kelly is the last thing he needs.  
  
Brock's eyes light up when he sees Jensen, mouth opening before Jensen can shut him down.  
  
“Jensen, man, thank God. Have you talked to Jared today?”  
  
Jensen bites his tongue. Brock Kelly really is a piece of work. He glares.  
  
Brock falters a little. “Dude, seriously, you need to go see him.”  
  
Jensen shoulders his way past. He does not need this asshole telling him what to do.  
  
“He's a fucking mess, Jensen. You need to fix this!” Brock calls after him.  
  
It hangs around his neck like a weight for the rest of the evening.  
  
He hates Brock Kelly.  
  
:::  
  
They open presents before it's even light out on Christmas day, eat until they can't move and fall asleep in front of the TV. Mac does their mom's hair with the set Sophia got her as a gift and Jensen keeps up a running commentary of how fucking stupid she looks until Mac kicks him.  
  
It's like every Christmas they've had since Dad died.  
  
Except last year Jared had come round after dinner and they'd made out in Jensen's bed until his heart felt like it might burst.   
  
Other than that, it's fine.  
  
Naturally, that means there has to be a knock on the door as his mom's shutting down the TV to go to bed.  
  
Jensen glances over the back of the couch just in time to see Donna gasp and gather Jared into her arms.  
  
It's kind of an out of body experience to see Jared in his house after all this time. And there's a strange sort of anger than builds seeing his mom hug him. Until he gets a look at Jared's face.  
  
Jensen pulls himself up on to his knees, concern tugging at him even as he fights it. Jared's a mess, red-rimmed eyes and wet cheeks. He's sobbing into Donna's hair and Jensen feels his heart clench and melt, two months worth of carefully stored up hate dripping away to nothing because he can't see Jared in pain. He can't do it.  
  
“What's going on?” he asks, totally aware that he's lost control of his voice.  
  
Jared startles, pulling away quickly and scrubbing at his face. “I'm sorry,” he says, voice wet and rasping. “I didn't. I didn't know where else to go.”  
  
Donna herds him further into the room, until Jared's right there, sitting on Jensen's couch within touching distance and it's a physical ache, how much Jensen wants to reach out to him.  
  
Donna sits on the coffee table, hands on Jared's knees when he wont look up. “Jared, baby, what's wrong? What happened?”  
  
Jensen's tongue feels thick in his mouth. He should say something. He should say something.  
  
Jared sniffles miserably, wipes at his nose with the sleeve of his hoodie. “I don't. I can't. It's,' he takes deep, shuddering breaths, trying to calm himself down. “They're getting a divorce.”  
  
Jensen frowns, finally slumping back into his seat. “Who?”  
  
Donna kicks him. “Your parents?” she asks Jared. “Honey are you sure? Sometimes people say things they don't-”  
  
Jared shakes his head. “No, it's for real. Dad found out – about me. And that mom knew and they've been arguing for months and then at dinner, it all just blew up. Jeff helped Dad load up the car, he's leaving in the morning.”  
  
Jensen doesn't know what to say, so he does the only thing he can do; reaches out to grab Jared's hand, slots their fingers together and holds on tight. It makes Jared look up at him, eyes meeting for the first time in forever and Jensen's heart feels like it's going to pound out of his chest.  
  
“Jen,” he starts and Jensen shakes his head, squeezes his hand a little harder.  
  
“Mom?” he asks, “Can you?” he nods toward the stairs.  
  
He doesn't know if he's strong enough for this, but Jared needs him.  
  
Donna nods, presses a kiss to Jensen's forehead and smooths back Jared's hair. “Okay. You stay here tonight, okay honey? You can stay with us.”  
  
Jared nods to her gratefully but Jensen can tell he needs her to leave now.  
  
The silence echos once she's headed upstairs and it makes Jensen's ears ring.   
  
They're still holding hands.  
  
“It'll be okay,” Jensen says, uselessly and Jared crumbles a little more.  
  
“I tried so hard to make things right,” Jared says, shaking his head. “I tried out for the football team, I quit track and I-” he breaks off on another sob and suddenly Jensen gets it.  
  
“That's why you broke up with me,” he says. “Because your dad found out and he, what? He was mad at you?”  
  
Jared sighs. “He was furious. He said I wasn't any son of his and that mom made him sick for keeping it quiet.”  
  
Jensen pulls a face. “What a dick.”  
  
Jared laughs a little desperately. “I didn't know what else to do, Jen. I thought if I could just go back to how I was before, that maybe it would be okay. If he could see that I was trying and that mom was sorry.”  
  
“She doesn't have anything to be sorry for! We didn't exactly keep it a secret. How it is her fault, or yours, that he doesn't give enough of a shit to know anything about you? He's the asshole.”  
  
Jared shakes his head again, fingers twitching in Jensen's sweaty grasp. “He's my dad.”  
  
And he sounds so small suddenly, that Jensen's stomach turns. He reaches out to wipe at the tears on Jared's face, wanting them gone and for Jared to be fixed. “He's an asshole, who doesn't deserve you.”  
  
Jared opens his mouth, probably to protest, but lets it snap shut. “Yeah.”  
  
They sit for a while, until Jared's breathing finally evens out and his face is dry.  
  
Jensen doesn't know what this means.  
  
“I'm so sorry, Jen. I never meant for any of this, I never wanted to hurt you or for things to get so fucked up. I'm so sorry.”  
  
And the thing is, it doesn't even matter now. Jared's here and he didn't break up with Jensen because he stopped loving him and the last couple of months feel like a bad dream.  
  
Only. “You did hurt me,” Jensen tells him. “You really, really hurt me and I couldn't do anything to stop it.”  
  
Jared nods, thumb pressing softly against each of Jensen's knuckles in turn. “I know. I don't expect you to take me back or anything. I know you're with that guy now,” he pulls away. “God, you're right, I shouldn't even be here.”  
  
“Get the fuck back here!” Jensen snaps, when Jared gets up. He's terrified, suddenly, that it might all slip away again. “Don't you fucking dare walk away from me again. If you want me, sit your ass down.”  
  
It seems like it could go either way for a minute, before Jared sinks back down into his seat.  
  
“Of course I want you,” he says, “I can't remember a time when I didn't want you. But I can't just expect you to-”  
  
“Shut up.”  
  
“Jensen.”  
  
“Shut the fuck up.”  
  
“What are you-”  
  
“Do you love me?” Because that matters, that's all that might make this okay.  
  
“What? Of course I do.'  
  
“Say it.”  
  
Jared leans forwards, takes Jensen's face in his hands and shakes him, with the sort of urgency Jensen has only ever gotten used to in the bedroom. “Jen, I love you. More than anything. And if I could take it back-”  
  
“What if it had worked?” Jensen asks, because he has to know. “What if he'd stayed and you'd played happy families? Would you still be here?”  
  
Jared draws him closer, rests their foreheads together and Jensen can smell him, everything he's ever wanted.  
  
“I'm a mess without you,” Jared says. “You are everything that is good about me and it doesn't work without you. I can't sleep, I can't do anything. I  _miss you_ , all the time.”  
  
There's something in the way he says it, desperate and aching and hollow that echos against everything inside of Jensen that's been screaming for the last two months, and the papery shell around his heart starts to split open.  
  
He doesn't have enough pride left to say no. He doesn't care anymore, about how much it hurt or whose fault it was or how it wasn't fair. All he wants, all he's ever wanted, is Jared.  
  
“Okay,” he says, shaking hands coming up to grip Jared's wrist. “Okay.”  
  
Jared pulls back a little so they can look at each other. He's so fucking beautiful.  
  
“Okay?”  
  
Jensen nods. “Yeah.”  
  
Jared doesn't look like he can believe it. “Are you-”  
  
“Don't push your luck.”  
  
Jared laughs, a watery smile and a little bit of that spark that Jensen fell for. “I really am, so sorry.”  
  
“Shut the fuck up,” Jensen says, breathless now, and pulls him into a kiss.  
  
It's like coming home. It's the sagging couch and the sea air, it's a smoky basement and the perfect joint, it's mom's coffee and notes on the kitchen table. It's everything.  
  
They kiss until they can't taste each other anymore, until it's just  _them_  and spit and hands fisted in clothes.  
  
Jensen tugs away after a while to slap Jared upside the head. “Don't you  _ever_  do that to me again,” he says.  
  
Jared kisses him again, eyes bottomless and only for Jensen. “I promise.”  
  
It's enough for now.  
  
:::  
  
“So we've actually forgiven him?” Sophia asks. They on the main beach, freezing their asses off while Chad and Jared build the bonfire. So far everyone's been nothing if not polite.  
  
Jensen nods, watching Jared stack firewood. They've spent two day in Jensen's room, huddled up in bed, making up. Jensen feels the same kind of soft inside that he did when they first fell in love. It's disgusting.  
  
“Yeah. He was going through all the family shit and not thinking straight and he's very sorry.”  
  
It kind of makes him want to laugh how much none of that matters anymore.  
  
Sophia raises a skeptical eyebrow. “And you're over it? Just like that? After the weeks of mourning and being a pain in my ass?”  
  
Jensen elbows her, watches the ocean roll in. “I'll get over it,” he says, feeling pretty reasonable about the whole thing. It hurt, it still hurts whenever he thinks about it, but it's given him a strange sort of perspective. “He's worth getting over it.”  
  
She seems to mull that over. “That's probably the smartest thing I've ever heard you say.”  
  
Jensen shrugs modestly. “I am going to be a doctor,” he says.  
  
It's pretty nice to laugh about it all, to be honest.  
  
“What about Chad?” he asks. From what he can tell the three of them have been holed up together just like him and Jared.  
  
That does make her smile. “He's going to transfer next year.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Yeah. It's – it turns out, it doesn't work so well without him.”  
  
Jensen knocks their shoulders together. “I could have told you that.”  
  
“Get bent. Have you told Jared about Alex yet?”  
  
He has. It was one of the less pleasant conversations they've shared in the last couple of days. “Yeah. He's not thrilled but we're still kind of in that place where he's not allowed to get pissed at me for anything, so it worked out pretty well.”  
  
Sophia laughs and toasts him with her can of soda.  
  
:::  
  
Jensen wanders down to the water once it gets dark out. The light from the bonfire doesn't quite reach far enough but he's always liked it when the surf gets inky and restless at night.   
  
He stands by the shore, hands in his pockets for warmth and doesn't startle when Jared moves up beside him.  
  
“Sophia gave me a hug,” Jared says, nudging him. “She said she missed me.”  
  
Jensen lets himself smile because Jared can't see it in the dark. “Sophia's drunk. She's been slipping vodka into her soda can since we got here.”  
  
Jared ignores him. “She also told me she'd cut my dick off if I ever upset you again. So I'm on best behavior. Basically forever.”  
  
“Glad to hear it.”  
  
Jensen's kind of looking forward to a time when they can stop talking about it.  
  
“So hey,” Jared says, nudging him again and pulling Jensen around into the circle of his arms. “Have I told you today how much I love you?”  
  
Jensen soaks him in, warmth all along his chest and under his skin. He doesn't think he'll ever get tired of feeling Jared up close like this again. “Have I told you today how cheesy your grovelling has become?” is what he actually says.  
  
“Once or twice.”  
  
Jensen slides his hand up Jared's arms, hooks them around his neck so he can keep his hands warm in hood of Jared's sweatshirt. “You think we're gonna be okay when we get back to school?” he asks, letting his nose graze Jared's ear.  
  
Jared cuddles him closer. “I think it doesn't matter, because I'm never letting you go again.”  
  
It's the sort of romantic crap that Jensen normally rolls his eyes at but here, right now, it's perfect.  
  
They start kissing right there in the dark, water lapping at their shoes and Chad singing in the distance while Sophia and Milo heckle and pelt him with stones.  
  
He's turning out far less fucked up than expected.

**Author's Note:**

> That's it, that's your lot. It is not impossible that I will write more of this one day because it's basically original fiction to me now but for the moment, that's all there is.
> 
> join me on tumblr, i'm vckaarrob


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